This is an excerpt from my diary that I wrote around April of this year. I’m going to put it as a separate link because it both annoys and saddens me and I don’t like it angst-ing up the whole place, I just want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake me about whenever I read it.
It’s about eating and not eating and feeling a little bit rough. At the point in time when I wrote it I was a little more obsessive; I was in the last term of my first year of uni and my halls somehow seemed entirely populated by a lot of young, skinny girls who seemed to be able to eat whatever they wanted and remain that way; I read a lot of glossy magazines, was low on cash and therefore low on distraction and my brain seemed to naturally turn to counting calories in order to keep occupied, so that I thought that being thin was the only thing in the world that mattered. It did get to the stage where I considered talking to someone, but it turned out that it thankfully wasn’t serious enough that I couldn’t snap myself out of it before circumstances got really dire.
Pretty sad, hmm ?
I want to use this excerpt as the opening post to this blog, but please don’t take it the wrong way. This is not a blog about eating disorders. I am not ‘wanna-rexic.’ I have read my share of pro-ana blogs and taken from them what I have; I am neither condoning nor condemning them. If you have an eating disorder, you will not find help or hindrance here; I’m not going to tell you off, nor am I going to encourage you to starve yourself. You should deal with or indeed not deal with the whole thing in the way that you and/or your loved ones see fit. What this blog will cover is the fact that I have developed, during my later adolescent years and early 20’s, a strange little fixation with what, when and how much or how little I eat that never really seems, though it ebbs and flows, to leave my mind.
I still get like this from time to time but since forcing myself to focus and pull myself together I feel like I can eat all those ‘unsafe’ foods I thought would have disastrous consequences, which in turn has led to less guilt-binges and overall higher self-satisfaction. So, in an attempt not to let myself sink permanently to those aforementioned levels I decided to create this blog. I still obsess about food but at least now I feel like I can eat bread and cheese without wanting to guilt-fast my way back to purity ! (What was I thinking? I mean, bread and cheese is one of the tastiest combos ever; carbs-n-fat, yes-please-I’ll-think-about-my-love-handles-later-now-give-me-the-block,-no-the-whole-block. Ahem).
The thing is, I love good, proper, healthy, filling food. Things like making pasta sauce from scratch, growing herbs, marinated tofu, hammering open a coconut and then researching its nutritional properties online make me happy. This blog will mostly track this, along with my day-to-day consumption and the thoughts I have about it, coming to terms with having the odd cake and it not being the end of the world, and of course delicious foods and recipes that I personally consider to be awesome and tasty, all of which I will endeavour to deliver in a chipper and eloquent manner.
Love, Amy x